Bad timing. Why is this happening now? Why me? Is there a God [and if so, why is She/He being such a bastard]? N0, NO, NO, this cannot be happening - it’s just a bad nightmare! And then you realise it IS happening and worse, it is happening to YOU!

Millions have been diagnosed with cancer, many of those millions have died from the disease, and yet in this world of self-centred daily existence we call modern-society, those who it does not affect usually turn a blind eye. What doesn’t affect you directly is often of no consequence and although you may feel some form of mild-compassion for those poor sufferers, hey, what’s it got to do with you? Right?

And now WE join the statistics! A loved one has become a victim and has been diagnosed with the severe onset of lung cancer. Our world has immediately collapsed. The tears flow, the daily reality becomes a roller-coaster of unknowns and raw emotions and nothing seems to matter any more. Everyone offers help and yet what can anyone really do? You find yourself caught in a world where everything is blurred, nothing makes sense and your brain refuses to operate normally. Music brings tears, a photo makes you smile and then grow sad, and yet every fleeting moment you have with this person is the most precious part of life you have ever known.

I am not the victim, it is one whom I love with all my heart who has been given the terrible news only this past week, and yet we are both in so much pain.

The appointments have been made and the tests will soon begin. We are not religious. We are looking at our future in terms of practicalities and with very sure realism.

This is not a call for sympathy - indeed is NOT what we want at all! It is simply a journal of our feelings and a log of the reality that faces us every day from this point.

Update: Friday 4th April 2008

First visit to lung cancer unit at hospital and we were given lots of information as to what may happen, the different possibilities [depending on the type of cancer cells] and a layout of where to from this point.

Blood test taken and a lung function test [blowing into a machine to measure breathing capability].

Next Tuesday [8th April 2008], it’s back into hospital for a Bronchoscopy and Biopsy. Sedation will occur so that the doctor’s can have a good look at the lungs without causing any pain and a small biopsy will also be removed. This will be significant as it will give us a our first real knowledge of exactly what is happening in the lungs. The results can take up to 5 days.

The following Tuesday [15th April 2008] it is back into hospital again for a CT Scan. This is painless and involves the whole body being sliced into sections by a camera so that it is possible to see any other problems in the body that may be related to the cancer. It involves laying on a moving table [keeping very still] as the patient slides through a tunnel of machinery. Much like is seen on medical TV programs such as House.

The big day for us is Friday 18th April 2008, as this will be when we sit down with the doctor and find out exactly what is happening. On the proceeding Thursday all the doctors and nurses involved with testing will sit down at a meeting to discuss the whole issue and alanalyse the test results. It brings together all the relevant facts and will be a time when the lung cancer team decide on the next course of action. We are somewhat apprehensive about this but we need to know. It could be terrible news or they may give us hope.

Update: Friday 4th April 2008

Went in for bronchoscopy and biopsy today. Scared as hell and worried on what they may find. All over in one morning but Anja is seriously worn out and has slept most of the day since. The nurses told us they took extra samples of blood and tissue but an explaination as to why was not given. Now we wait till next Tuesday for the CT Scan which should be painless.

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