Table of contents for Cancer

1. This only happens to other people…
2. DEATH: The Final Frontier
3. Slice and dice
4. Friends in time of crisis
5. Life changes so quickly
6. Laughing
7. And then there is despair
8. Anja passed away today

If there was ever a sure way to find out who your friends are in life, a personal crisis will be the time when this is truly determined. Up until recently, we would have said we have quite a few friends. These ‘friends’ include people with whom we work, people we have met along the way in our new life in England, and also those people we know online. So, with Anja being diagnosed with cancer and being told she has very little time to live, you would think that ALL of our friends would come to the fore.

This assumption, however, is wrong.

It now seems that we have only a few friends. A handful of people have stoood out heads and shoulders above the rest as true friends, because they have shown they really care about us. They phone and email every day, they offer their 24 hour assistance and they are ‘here’ for us whenever we need them. These friends have helped us cope with this whole crisis and they continue to do so, every single day. They offer support to us not only in the form of words, but also with actions and support that really does make a difference. They offer to do our shopping, our cleaning, our ironing and whatever else we feel we need. One of them is even going so far as to help in chasing up the funeral requirements, because I am finding this particular aspect very hard to deal with, and so they jumped in to help. And they are doing this on top of their own, hectic lives and with no ulterior motive whatsoever. They do it , they tell us, because that is what friends are for, to be there when it really counts. These people bring tears to our eyes and make us smile in the midst of all this pain we feel ourselves going through day after day.

And people online, some who we do not even really know that well, send us emails and open their hearts to let us know they care. One of our closest friends online is even going to visit us from another country. When I asked her why is she coming to England – a holiday or business trip – she replied, ‘because I want to be there for you guys’. This is true friendship. This is more than words and shallow sympathy. It is what real friends do for one another.

But for many of our so called friends, this has been a time when they have chosen to stay away from us and not make that phone call, not get in touch, not even send an email. A part of who we are does not mind this and even understands it. We realise it is difficult to know what to say to people when really what can they say? But, we also believe that when the going gets tough, sometimes in life you just have to go that little bit further, no matter how difficult it may be. You need to make an effort and step out of your comfort zone. And then we have a few of these so called friends who do nothing more than act as spokesperson for the wider fringe of friends and in doing so, they make out that they are in our inner circle of friends and they are really helping. In reality, they are using this situation to be seen as the ‘good’ person, the one who is helping the most, the shining light! Truth be told, they are the worst of the lot, even worse than those who do not get in touch at all.

And how will treat these so called ‘friends’ when, inevitably, I run into them at the shops, on the street or by chance? Well, to be honest, and with how I am feeling right this minute, I have to say that I think I will be blunt, brutally honest and possibly even very negative. I am not one for confrontations, but I am also no hyprocrit. Why make out that I am their friend when I actually have ill-feeling towards them? Perhaps my body language and my lack of response to them will be enough to show them they no longer have a place in my life, but for one of two of them, I think it will be very hard for me to not take that one step further, open my mouth and give them a true account of what I honestly think of them and their lack of friendship when it mattered most.

Anja is not far from from leaving this world forever. She is a wonderful person, and even now in hospital she is forever ending going out of her way to help others. She is terribly sick, she is in pain, she is scared, she is terrified of what lays ahead and yet, even in this extreme time, she still gets herself out of her hospital bed and goes to help others in her own ward who cannot reach that item, who need hug, who need help, who need a friend. She has a sore face from all of her own tears, but this does not stop her from supporting those around her. She makes the nurses cry because she is so positive about the whole situation and she laughs in the face of death. And all of this within her and not a religious thought in her soul.

Anja is more than just my wife. She is my closest and best friend. And I am hers. Why? Yes, because we are in love, but more than that, because we both know we can count on each other, no matter what the circumstances.

To those people who we know online and who we class as our friends [you know who you are] thank you from the bottom of our hearts for your support and your willingness to take that extra step, write that supporting email and in whatever way – let us know that you care! To us, you symbolise the meaning of friendship and show us that distances and differences in world times etc, are no barrier to showing how easy it is for friends to be ‘friends’ in the true sense of the word.