DEATH: The Final Frontier
Categories: Featured, Personal Life
Written By: James
Table of contents for Cancer
To boldly go where everyone has gone before…
Right now, with my wife’s length of time left on this planet very uncertain [but ultimately very brief], we have both discussed the whole package that dying brings – the pain beforehand, our quality of life, and the moment of death itself. As mentioned before, we are realists and we understand why her death is not so far away, but as much as we are both terrified of the prospect and spend our days on a bizarre rollercoaster of emotions, the practicalities and logics still keep us focussed. Yes, we do realise that what we are experiencing is not a new phenomenon, it happens to millions every year, and yet for us it is all new and all very much ‘in our face‘ at all times.
To be truthful, I could write this post a hundred times a day and still come up with different perspectives and feelings nearly every time. Only moments ago, as I read through the last interviews of those who have already passed away, it jolted my senses and threw the floodgates of tears wide open, but now, I am in control again and can smile as I look at my wife, knowing we still have some time left. My wife is scared and very afraid of what the coming months hold. Scared of the prospect of the pain, the burden she feels she will put on those she loves, and scared of the unknown ahead.
And everyone who knows us and who knows Anja, have offered their sincere feelings of sorrow and generous offers of help, but in the end it all seems so meaningless and futile. Of course, we know the doctors and nursing staff will do their best to make this time as painless and bearable as possible and we will remain positive until the end. But the end will come all too soon. We both know this and accept it. Just how we will cope with it is uncertain, as we believe we need to experience this for ourselves to truly know how it feels. We also know though, that when the time comes, no amount of time or talk will prepare us enough.
And how can we describe how we really feel during all of this? Fine one minute and in tears the next. I start to say something and then realise that it no longer applies. We were making plans to move to Edinburgh just before this news fell upon us and now it is a lost dream. Even the mention of Scotland [a place we both love and adore] is almost too much to bear. Every piece of music evokes feelings and sadness. And on the other side of the coin, I watch Anja as she smiles and laughs and tells me she will fight the Reaper when he knocks, and I am just so thankful we still have this precious time together.
And as we both worry about the inevitable decline of health which accompanies cancer, and the rough road ahead that this will bring, I openly admit I am human and I think of myself too. Apart from the fact that any sadness and pain Anja feels, I feel as well, I also wonder what will become of me. The truth – I have no will to live when Anja has gone. Life will have no meaning to me anymore. We share everything we do. We are the closest of friends and share intimacy as only people who are truly in love ever do. I honestly see no point in my life ahead, so why live? Futility has never been one of my pursuits in life before, so why start now?
Conversely, I sit here and think I should be more positive. Perhaps I should take some videos and photos of Anja now while she is still in good spirits and whilst we still can laugh together. I know I will regret if I don’t, but is feels almost morbid to think this way.
An erratic post that does not make much sense? And yet, it is a true journal of where we are right now. Nothing is making much sense at the moment so why kid ourselves that reality is any different than it really is…
April 28th, 2008 at 10:39 pm
I am searching for the right words to say. “I’m sorry” seems so lame and doesn’t in any cover what you are going through. It also doesn’t help.
I wish it did.
April 29th, 2008 at 5:24 am
This whole thing has shown us a lot about people in general and how some people just cannot cope with the prospect of death. Some very close friends have not been in touch at all and we think it is because they do not know what to say. They cannot handle talking to us perhaps because of fear of saying the wrong thing or just sitting there saying nothing at all.
In the end though, I believe they will regret not making that step and getting in touch. I tell Anja my feelings and we share so much – every moment that we can. It helps to talk and bring things out in the open.
And thank you for your words Rayne. Saying sorry is not lame – it is a gesture of your kindness. To say nothing hurts much more.
April 29th, 2008 at 12:10 pm
When I was first diagnosed with my own health issue quite a few friends pulled away from me. When I approached them and asked them why they no longer called or visited they said they couldn’t handle it. At first I was so angry. I was the one with the illness, how could they be the ones not able to handle it? As time has passed I have learned that anger is a waste of precious time and really, what could they do for me? In a way, having my world grow a little smaller is easier to cope with. I, fortunately, have a fairly decent amount of time to work and in the beginning I worried about wasting time. Now, I realize that death isn’t about me, it’s about the ones I’ll leave behind and the best thing I can do is listen, and talk, and give what I can.
I think you are doing the right thing with Anja, talking, sharing, listening, building up a store house of memories.
I think you are right about your friends, too, I do believe they will have regret and maybe shame.
April 30th, 2008 at 1:38 pm
It is hard to accept that you going to die in the first place. But it is a lot harder for those who have to deal and live with it. When the reaper comes to get me it is over. There is no pain, no suffering and no worries. For our children family and friends they have to deal with it. They have to come to grips and continue with all day life. And that is so hard to have to live without someone you love. I just want to fight the cancer as hard as I can for James and the children.
August 6th, 2010 at 4:43 am
I recently went to my onocoligist. they first took me to the finacial room. i was told my zometa for my breast to bone cancer to strengthen my bones is 12 000 dollars a month. i was furios. how could they! any of them. do you remember that Pink Floyd song onthe turning away from the pale and downtrodden? Aids pts. live a very long time now. somewhere somebody spent tons and tons of money on that situaton.im 46! maybe we are blessed by God and take the early train out of here.i hold on to Jesus Christ for alot of reasons not the least of which is HIS PROMISE OF ETERNAL LIFE! we wont die if we lean on him. there is not away. someone has got .. answers on cancer. but we cancer pts.are the number 2 industry in the world.go figure.i call it the medical mafia.cancer the new aids. all my best angie