Comments on: And then there is despair

By: Troy in Las Vegas

Troy in Las Vegas — Fri, 08 Aug 2008 20:50:14 +0000

Your words help open my eyes and I feel shame with myself for being such a dick over such little things with my loved ones. What seems such a bother at times is really such a little thing right?
Thank you for the lesson James and for opening up your private heart and thoughts.

By: James

James — Sun, 27 Jul 2008 20:04:02 +0000

And thank you to all of you for taking the time to share your thoughts and offer support. It is very much appreciated. My opinion of those who do not do so in times such as these [not only for me and Anja] but for anyone who they call their friend, has dropped dramatically.

If you are not there in times in crisis, well, when?

Thanks again!

By: James

James — Sun, 27 Jul 2008 19:56:19 +0000

I have talked to Anja for so long now, throughout the night and day, and I am wondering/doubting if in fact she does hear anything I say. She is pumped so full of drugs and even when her eyes open in those rare moments when she is moved by myself or the nurses, she is there but not there at all. I wish I could turn off the button for her, because she is no longer in this world. This takes away a person’s dignity and leaves nothing but an empty shell behind. In my opinion, there is certainly a case for euthanasia in light of what is happening here.

And reading all of this now, and the past articles, I contemplate my decision to share this so openly for all to see. Perhaps I have made a mistake and I should delete it all straight away.

But then, I know I did this because Anja wants the world to know what cancer actually does to a person and how it changes your every day life. She hopes that this experience we have gone tyhrough will be of some use to others in the future.

We already discussed over a month ago, that I am going to put together a memorial website for Anja, and when I do, these articles and posts from her own blog, will all be collated and be presented on this special site created for Anja and her memory. I actually mentioned this to a nurse here who works as part of the palliative care unit and she said it would be wonderful if she could share it with other sufferers, now and in the future.

So, something good may come out of all this. But what a heavy price to pay.

By: Kathie

Kathie — Sun, 27 Jul 2008 15:21:29 +0000

James, continue to talk to her. She will hear every word you say until the very last second. She will know you are with her. She will know you love her. She will know.

But, James, you must also take care of yourself. I know that seems secondary, but you must eat. You must try to sleep.

This is terrible, and I wish we could help you. Know that all of us are out here, even those of us you have never met.

By: Thaleia

Thaleia — Sun, 27 Jul 2008 06:23:15 +0000

Sigh… there’s so much love between the two of you.. it’s beautiful…

My heart is with you both all of the time

By: Jeanette

Jeanette — Sat, 26 Jul 2008 21:12:40 +0000

I am lost for words.

This is terrible, and yet the love you share is so beautiful all at the same time.

My heart goes out to you both.

By: MrCorey

MrCorey — Sat, 26 Jul 2008 20:45:03 +0000

The intensity of your love for each other and your complete devotion to each other always causes a huge lump to well up inside me whenever either of you has written about each other. Especially, of course, in these last few months when you’ve really only been focused on each other, is this so apparent.

James, there is nothing inelegant about this thing that you have written. It is one of the most beautiful things that I have ever written. This is because, over the past few years that I have known and “conversed” with you or Anja, I have known that you are both very private people. And, whenever you have revealed a tidbit about what you’re thinking or feeling, I have known that this is something special that I have been privileged to have had shared with me.

My thoughts and feelings are with you both (as they have been over the past few months, regardless of the infrequency of my mentioning it). Your strength is amazing.